I just want to know how you cleaned her puke off the twister mat with no gloves. And didn't throw up
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
I just saw a license plate that said "Guidete" at college. This proves the world is officially ending in 2012
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
There is no sno cone on earth better than alone naked time. Side note: text when you all are headed home.
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
Randomize
