Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
Our nipples touched last night. It was tender.
Back at condo with chick. What is the condom situation urgent response needed
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
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