Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
Apparently I have decided there are no repercussions for my actions
Got 3360 Shoppers points for buying Plan B. I guess this all worked out for the best.
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
Randomize
