In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
Beer and Reeses. dinner of champions
all i remember is arguing with the chick that yahoo was better than google
all you were doing was yelling YAHOOOOO in her face
so i won
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
just woke up to an abnormally swollen ankle (broken, perhaps?) and a shirtless man with the most beautiful abs I've ever seen sleeping on my floor.
is your ankle ok??
WHY IS HE ON THE FLOOR. SINCE WHEN DOES BLACKOUT ME ALSO COCKBLOCK ME
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
Randomize
