theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
For the past year I have been the most responsible I have ever been in my entire life and now spring break is here and there is free penis just traipsing around my entire town. The game is afoot.
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
so let me get this straight... she's showing a cameltoe that can be seen from the space station and I'm NOT supposed to stare?
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
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