Apparently i was the first person to introduce her to her clitoris. Needless to say...they hit it off great
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
i dont understand why you dont get why i love him. i opened the bathroom door and he had his penis in his right hand and a mcdouble in his left.
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
Decided to go explore a half built apartment complex at 4 a.m and leave a 3 block obstacle course in the alley ways on the way home.
So the old dude that tried to fight me is definitely Katie's dad. And the pot cookie's kicking in. Shit is getting weird.
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
Take the weirdness of Japan and add the insanity of Florida and that's Jimmy
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
Naked. Naked is my favorite color.
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Randomize
