i think blowjobs on the first date are perfectly acceptable. as long as you dont go dick to mouth.
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
bark. im thoroughly looking forward to kegs and eggs. next weekend should be pancakes and pinnical, then cereal and seagrams and then whiskey and waffles.
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
I’m a little confused...we were told by Cheeto Jesus and his minions multiple times that we would stop hearing about coronavirus the day after the election and, yet, I am still hearing about coronavirus. Is it possible they lied to us again?!?
Randomize
