Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
dont get me wrong, i like when a guy is into my boobs but when he started saying mama i want milk let me suck, i gathered my shit together and bounced.
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
he is allergic to cats. we can only glue dog hair on him. otherwise he might die and i dont want to be responsible for that.
ahaha ok
let's call it "werewolfing"
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.
i just had to pick up my 18 year old cousin from the police station for hosting a party, and i had to do this stoned wow
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
Guess who's the proud owner of her very own foxtail butt plug!!
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