You just made me feel so damn special
I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
thanks for showing me a good time......and your penis a few times. Thanks especially for that.
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
He cut off part of his middle finger playing the knife game while singing The Knife Game Song at the top of his lungs. He also scream like a girl when his finger hit the floor and he realized he fucked up.
Randomize
