I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
hey babe thanks for tonight, it was fun.
to be honest, i wanna fuck your friend.
so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
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He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
She washed her feet in the sink at white castle. I want this girl in my life.
im looking at burger kings website. there isnt one anywhere close to where we were last night. i think it was sent from heaven
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
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Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
the good news is that i vommed the last of my humanity last night.
welcome to the club.
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs