my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
...So a 6 ft tall drag queen in heels I would kill for just told me I have a dunkable ass. I'm confused...but I'll take any compliment I can.
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
And then he asked me why the subtitles were in Arabic. The television was off.
I have seen more male genitalia at this party tonight than I ever want to see again in my entire life.
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
I've made out with more people in 2014 than I did the whole fall semester
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
This night could easily degenerate into a drunken haze of strippers and gambling, but I need a support network.
Randomize
