Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
I just went to a chocolate syrup wrestling party I think you need to get on my level
so id say it was a successful trip...i only got hit on by one cousin...
he turned two sober chicks into 7 drunken girls...he's my hero
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
I can officially say I had a blunt rolled on my ass
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
My room looks so cute. Who wouldn't want to hook up with me in here?
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
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