she refuses to pay for the plan b and so do i. it's the most dangerous game of chicken i've ever been involved in. but i have my pride.
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
