Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
Water park on acid. THIS NEEDS TO HAPPEN!!
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
I'm not sure I can continue to condone our having sex in all of your friends' beds
All I know is I drank too much, danced too little.. yet somehow woke up on the floor in the arms of some cowboy.
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
Is it a problem if I'm trying to condition Goodbye Horses to trigger an erection?
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
Randomize
