There are 3 speedbumps now up. Think you can manage the urge to piss on them?
Aw shit! That's like putting me a in a room full of Captiain Crunch Donuts and Jasper Hale and not letting me put my mouth on either.
I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
I'm spoon feeding myself tequila for breakfast, should we skip class today?
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
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