My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
grad school is all the worst parts of undergrad, without the binge drinking and bad decisions to make up for it
I'll call you tomorrow. I'm ok and back i love you goodnight.
I stole a bike. Here's a pic
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
I'm pretty sure the guy in front of me at Walmart doesn't have good plans. It's one am he is buying a flash light and black bandanna
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
Randomize
