i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
I just fired a shotgun out of the back of a truck going 60. i am going to miss oregon.
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
Food Network. Taking bong rips everytime we want to eat. BOBBY FLAY.
Out of all the people in the house to show their tits at mcdonalds to try and get free food, they picked those two?
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
What's his name?? He crossfits 6 times a week, works in finance & is into the occasional felony class drug. His name is irrelevant in order to know if I wanna bone him again.
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
Judging by his bulge. This guy is going home with me. Who doesn't want a dick that looks like it used to be a pillar in Rome.
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
Randomize
