come outside for a special surprise it involves huge boobs
And then he said "good night girls" and kissed each one before I put my shirt back on
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
professor came back from spring break missing a tooth
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
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