You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
Can we please not be like these pathetic people in their thirties who only get drunk when they go see Sherrill Crow?
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
when you wake up try not to move. we are betting to see if more sprinkles stuck to you or the pong table.
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
Randomize
