two pink lines on a pregnancy test is bad, isn't it?
only if you didn't want to fuck up your life.
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
She's a squirter....that makes up for lots of other annoying things
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
No, i went to get it done but the guy couldnt find it. exhibit A of why i wanted a clit piercing in the first place.
If only we could all 3 say fuck school to be stoner flight attendants
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
Plus who wants to live somewhere tom jerked off? No one.
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
Randomize
