Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
she just gave her compliments to the chief, at dennys
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
Honestly, I don't care whether it was a guy or a girl. Best blowjob ever.
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
New fact of life: getting Becca high never helps any situation at all ever.
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
Randomize
