I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
it never fails, everytime he manages to fuck my earrings out of my ears.
she worked me into her spring break cardio plan. im mondays and wednesdays.
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
Yeah yeah, I don't care. I bought a super soaker, so lets please go attracting attention by spraying each other while wearing white tank tops?
I made out with about ten people last night. And four of them were just on the way to my car from the bar. And one was my roommate.
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
Just realized how behind i am. Will gradually increase drinking until i don't remember that i missed an entire year of class.
Randomize
