ya dads aren't the best wingmen
so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
I FOUND THE PROF I'M GOING TO FUCKKKK.
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im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
If I wanted to fuck someone, I'd go for John. I'm meeting Bryan cuz I wanna get to know him better. And eventually fuck him. But not this Tuesday.
im almost positive that in mid thrust she told me she was pro choice
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
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I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
I was super naked---except I kept my shoes on, because I'm a lady, and I was bent over a bar.
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
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