my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
I think ur a lot drunker then u think u are. That girl has the body of a cartoon character and not in a good way.
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
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