Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
If you're still up for that roadtrip, I managed to end up in Louisiana and could use a ride home.
The power of the half flaccid cock, and to think, I thought I was just playing accordion in front of her Vagina!
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
Damn him and his beautiful face and body and penis.
Randomize
