Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
What do you do when the person in the stall next to you says they're jealous?
Im watching him eat cream cheese and hot dog buns.
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
if i do community service solely to impress a guy, everyone wins, right?
except your soul
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
So I'm at home coloring while smoking a joint. It can only go down hill from here.
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
Randomize
