found an empty one..2nd door on the right...i'm already naked.
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
I just went to a chocolate syrup wrestling party I think you need to get on my level
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
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