The world needs more lipstick lesbians, if anything.
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
Please get rnbert tn get chebk h'm in i'm no dead when he getr gome
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
Just let me suck your dick and be happy. Let me have this.
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
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