I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
there are singles shoved down my panties. this is the type of summer job i always wanted.
I can't wait to get all this Makers out of my shoe.
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
Look at all the pictures I have of us sucking on jello syringes.
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
Randomize
