If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
just fit an iguana in a condom...have pics
is it really high of me to have brought my own hot sauce to wendys?
if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
If the Cards come back I will fly to St Louis and shit in a very public place.
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
I don't know what that means. Any of it. BUT I will be at your house at 10:20 and you better be ready to get high as balls.
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
THREE MINUTES! THREE MINUTES PAST MIDNIGHT I STSRT HEARING CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON THE OVERHEAD PA SYSTEM!!!
Randomize
