I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
she would be the type to have more hair on her twat than on her head
she has to be all "alternative"
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
Something strange is happening to me, I think I miss hooking up with girls sober
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
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