My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
If i see another girl turn you down you should either turn gay or just kill yourself
Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
Ed hardy makes air fresheners now. Now even the air can be a douchebag.
once she started licking the door on the stall, i got out of there and told her bf "this is your problem now" and walked away
It's only been a week and i've already broken my no summer randoms rule twice.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
Randomize
