i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
Randomize
