hey can you give me head? jesse told me that you're really good
who is this?
jesse's little brother
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
Fuck him for salsa, please. I heard its a good recipe.
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
My vagina has made plenty life decisions and I would like to point out very few if not any of them were in my favor.
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
my favorite part was when you kept waving @ that guy and insisiting it was your cousin..and it wasnt and wondering why he wasnt waving back lol you were legit PISSED
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