Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
you went up to their shower, tripped in it, accidentally turned it on and then claimed that you like to "test everyone's showers"
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
Once two people had broken bones it had become a bulk hospital trip so we took the party bus
You mAke me stone. Stone fuck fucking stoned. I'm an stoned you cuz now fucking stoned stoned fucking stoned I stone.
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
she told him my safe word. I'm gonna casually work it into conversation and at him suggestively to see if he realizes i want to have rough sex with him
After 25 beers and 3 shots my best friend thought it would be an amazing idea to get his dick pierced. We are on our way.
Randomize
