dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
so we were pounding it out and someone knocked on the wall and was shouting at us
that didnt stop you
nope
I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
we were naked in his bed and he told me all about what a "baller" alexander the great was.
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
Maybe whip a sausage around while you do it and pour some beer on you. Like a German white snake video
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
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