Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
Something about Sunday night screams phone sex
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
Randomize
