My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
boobs and vodka. thats all i can remember, finals week needs to stop ending like this..
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
The cops caught them pow wowing in the teepee at the entrance of the golf course at 5 am. But were still missing someone.
I'm pretty sure blacking out is a coping mechanism.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
Probably yeah. I mean maybe one day we can be those friends that hang out naked. Not awkard at all.
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
And he put my hair in my clip while i blew him...and he did a good job
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
Randomize
