No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
judging by the mobile uploads you added of me last night, we cant keep living this way.
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
This is the most scared i've been of my hands since i did shrooms.
I just blurted out "it's pretty tight isn't it"
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
Actually some of the best sex I've had involved a lot of laughing.
How small IS your cock?
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
Randomize
