Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
The hot streak continues..if life was NBA jams i would be "on fire" right now
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
THERE'S MORE TO LIFE THAN JUST MISSIONARY
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
Randomize
