what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
Good for him. He wanted to accomplish walking across niagara, I'm hoping to accomplish not throwing up tomoro nite, we all have our own priorities in life.
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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