woke up to find a pram in the balcony. first thing we did was look over the edge!
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
I'm thinking about that time I was in a trashbag and you spray painted my hair yellow
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
I don't want to have to force feed him my vagina!!
Hey. Be honored that I consider you the genital expert. I know alot of candidates for the position.
Haha...we lost by one cup to a guy w shitty facial hair. What makes me most mad abt the loss is that I could grow a better beard on my vag.
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
We're fucking and Lee Greenwood God Bless the USA comes on and he came. It was the most Roll Tide America moment of my life.
What happened to fro yo and sex?
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
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