Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
basically at this point ill snort whatever you put in front of me and just hope
You ad-libbed two DETAILED rounds of price is right, 1 wheel of fortune, and 1 deal or no deal.... by yourself with sound effects and music included
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
There is a literally infinite number of spliffs going around this table.
Delicious
I feel like I'm at a sushi bar with a spliff belt.
Once he blows his load, he's more of an immediate flight risk than that jetBlue pilot. He's out the door before his cum is out of my vajayjay.
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
Explain to me how we're not being documented on? A gynecologist I saw two times 8 years ago popped up on my people you may know list on fb. What in the actual fuck?
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
my comprehension of H.D. Thoreau really dives after 8 beers.....
It will astound me if they ever let you graduate.
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
Randomize
