He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
You did a strip tease for the toilet.
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
there are not enough nopes in the world for that situation.
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
So after the absinthe shots_____(fill in the blank area for me please)......
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
I’m a little confused...we were told by Cheeto Jesus and his minions multiple times that we would stop hearing about coronavirus the day after the election and, yet, I am still hearing about coronavirus. Is it possible they lied to us again?!?
Randomize
