I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
I'm pretty sure I saw a man standing on a table with no shirt on getting sugar thrown at him while "pour some sugar on me" blaring while the cops were in the house.
It was huge And he was twirling it around. Im telling you, beautiful wonderpenis
sooo... you have no idea who nailed their tubesocks to my wall?
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
I don't think he knows what shame means anymore. He gave some bar slut his sisters Tiffanys necklace, in exchange for anal.
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
Randomize
