I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
you told grandpa to call you daddy
I need to stop taking drags of other peoples cigarettes, it's such a tease. Like playing just the tip, you just can't
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
She was all for the threesome til I showed her a pic of my boyfriend. I think I should re-evaluate my life decisions.
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