Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
you start one little fire by the lake and the police want to talk to you all night...
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize
