yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
The money shot is kinda like the "The End" part of a children's book isn't it?
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
We should live in a duplex and just hook up with randoms for the rest of forever and be animal hoarders.
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
WHAT GOOD IS APPRECIATING IF NOBODY'S NAKED
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
If a guy makes a dick joke within 24 hrs of matching am I just setting myself up for disaster if I say yes to a date lol
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
Randomize
