I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
Do me a favor? If you get with him, please lick his abs. Someone has too they're just too beautiful not to.
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
she bought my drinks all night, made me breakfast in the morning, and let me use her expensive hair products before i left. best one night stand ever.
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