I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
i have to go- we're throwing the dummy from the balcony again
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
They have some sort of agreement that they can sleep with other people if it helps then achieve their goal, or something like that
How awkward
Yeah it's pretty fucked up
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
If I had any lingering questions about my sexuality, the strip club tonight verified I'm 100% gay
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
it wasnt weird until his dog watched upclose as i put a tampon in
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
Randomize
