my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
In Denver there are more bars per capita than any other city also the healthiest city. That means lots of drunk girls and no fatties.
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
i think i just naturally attract stoners
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
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