Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
Passing las posas road. In a world of pain. Im trying to piss in a bottle through the hole in my crotch. I wish i had a bigger dick.
took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
areolas are like halos for boobs.
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
And then we made magical love in his room under a blacklight as his roommate and girlfriend argued violently in the living room
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
I was super naked---except I kept my shoes on, because I'm a lady, and I was bent over a bar.
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
so you 69ed him in the parking lot of your apartment
yah I won't allow him in my apartment
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
Randomize
