Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
He used the expression "my couch is your couch" as a come on line.
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
I just want to be naked all the time but not in a sexual, come-hither and look at my ass sort of way. In a slightly chubby yet not ashamed way as I eat Taco Bell and lay on soft fuzzy blankets.
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
I'm tired of the topic. I sent him a pic of my vagina to change it.
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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