who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
I'm at a Rock of Love themed party. New high? New low? I can't tell.
Wait. Scratch that. It's not themed. These girls are just sluts.
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
I understand, but unless there is an intervention for me being planned, i DON NOT want to talk about my life choices
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
my comprehension of H.D. Thoreau really dives after 8 beers.....
It will astound me if they ever let you graduate.
maybe you should have closed the porn before you gave the professor your computer to hook up to the projector?
Randomize
