I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
Those were the days I had no morals... Dark times.
Shall we take a trip back?
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
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