My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
You want to move to a city because of their promotional beer pricing
So?
This is why you shouldn't make decisions
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
I just realized it's officially fall..I had sex while watching Halloween
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
Randomize
